Being Single is a Choice

In the name of Allah, by his will and mercy!

Philosophizing about life and all its mysteries!

What does it mean to have free will? How does it manifest in our lives? What does it mean to not have free will? Are most things in life pre-determined? Are we just reacting to stimuli subconsciously? Or are we actively making decisions and propelling ourselves along?

What we all agree on is how important it is to believe that we have free will. Without the belief, the world would be chaos.

We make decisions every day that steer our lives forwards or backwards. I hope we aren’t simply responding to external stimuli or going through the motions on a daily basis because the ink is already dry. (khoshki!)

Good decisions reap good luck. Or at least that’s how I see it. I guess without that belief, I wouldn’t be very good at my job.

This revelation is quickly followed by an experience I had with my own life. Without going into crazy detail - this particular me is special. Very special. ALHAMDULILLAH. And I'm just now coming to terms with it. Many women and people in my life have led me to believe otherwise for far too long. So, a year and a half after one of the world’s worst relationships (and breakups) had FINALLY ended, I got my truthfullness.

Yes, it is the form of open commitments and proposals. Yes, it is eighteen months too late. Yes, it didn’t change the fact that they are still moron. And still! I didn't finally get to read the long awaited apology I deserve, but it would come with way more empathy, understanding, and regret than I could ever hope for. It would be a victorious moment.

But something is still irking me. Sure, I am totally revamping my life and finally chasing after what I want (trust me, it’s not an easy transition!). But I still feel like I am falling short in some way.

Then, it dawns on me. A light bulb moment. I feel like because I am not in a relationship, my journey isn’t complete. I haven’t done enough, pushed enough, or moved forward enough to truly feel like I had overcome my passive past.

I understand why I feel this way, I just don’t agree that my relationship status has anything to do with my transformation. But how could I explain that to myself? What is the underlying reason I am not in a relationship that I should be proud of?

Then, it is my turn to have a light bulb moment: free will!

Being single is a choice!

Before anyone gets offended, this isn’t a tirade about how single we are undesirable or that there must be something wrong with us. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. There are a few people who I truly believe are single NOT by choice. And they happened to be really, really mean. Like, really mean. Mean people don’t make good life partners, so I figured that was the reason why. But for the other hundreds of single people, I have always assumed it was a choice. And I think I’m right.

For every person out there, I believe this to be true:

If you wanted to be married, you could be.
If you wanted to be engaged, you could be.
If you wanted to be in a relationship, you could be.
Just as if you wanted to be single, you could be.

I could have easily responded to that rejections with open arms. I could have gotten over together with them in an instant. In six months, they could be engaged. In a year, they could be married. And soon after that, they could begin starting a family.

But that’s not what I want. I want to be treated with respect. I want consideration. I want accountability. I want someone who sees me for who I am in the present - not a year and a half earlier. And I’m betting you do, too.

Your relationship status is in your power.

I know some of you are thinking, “This is absolute bullshit. I really want to be in a relationship and no one wants to be in a relationship with me!”

That’s not true.

I guarantee you that you could be in a relationship with someone. There’s probably someone from your past, a coworker, a classmate, a family friend, or an awkward acquaintance who would be more than happy to be in a relationship with you. Maybe you know this, or maybe you haven’t given them the chance to declare it, but someone would like the opportunity.

The real question isn’t who wants to be in a relationship with you, it’s do you want to be in a relationship with them?

Being in a relationship means that you have found somebody you would rather spend time with more so than hanging out by yourself. And you know what? You’re pretty awesome. You like good TV. You read intriguing books. You eat delicious food. You scroll through interesting things on Facebook. You are a ridiculously hilarious WhatsApper. And you hopefully have an inspiring life coach who makes sure your confidence stays sky high.

So honestly, this potential date better be hella exciting to beat all that.

I am very proud that I am single. I think it shows strength, self confidence, patience, and optimism. If I had prioritized my relationship status over my happiness, I’d be dating some babe who doesn’t value my time, commitment, kindness, or love. I would fall back into old habits. I would stop putting myself first. Instead I am staying single until I find someone who supports my positive changes and pushes me to be even better.

We all want to be in a relationship with the right person, because we know that we deserve that. And that takes a lot time for a lot of people. It’s not a sprint. Yes, some people strike it out of the park in high school, and that’s amazing...but most don’t. I didn’t. There’s a reason high school sweethearts are so revered. It’s because it hardly ever happens! It’s an exception! Most wait a while to find the right person because it takes time to get to know yourself, figure out your own life goals, and meet someone who compliments your hard work.

Honestly it’s fine, because these are typically the same humans who don’t realize “how are you still single, you’re so needful!” is pretty offensive. My go-to line is usually “Yes I am needful and yes I am single but I cant compromise on it on false ground.”

Or, you can just not let those opinions bother you. Because if you believe in free will like I do, then you know it’s pretty obvious that you could be in a relationship if you wanted to be. All of you could. Instead you are making good decisions for yourself by prioritizing your own happiness before your relationship status. It’s not pathetic or desperate or lame to admit that in a perfect world you would like a companion. That’s human nature. Everyone on this planet would like a partner who just gets them...but not all of us are diligent enough to do the self-work in order to be ready for a relationship like that, or patient enough to wait for it. I am.

Moral of the story? Create space for someone who matters. Let yourself be open to the opportunity of a truly inspiring relationship. Be bold enough to not apologize or be ashamed of dating yourself. You’re pretty amazing. And if you can find someone who tops your “me time,” then so be it. But until then, you are enough.

May Allah forgive and bless us all.